by grace

What Do you Do

2011-11-07T05:09:00.000-08:00

This is usually one of the first questions when we meet someone new and we're introducing ourselves. Name, where we live, what we do. I've had a couple conversations with people lately about how what we do is not who we are. Our vocation should not define us. Sure, our jobs give us an opportunity to use our gifts for God's purpose, but I don't think we always look at it this way. Too often we look at it as a way to earn money to pay the bills so that on the weekends, we can do what really fulfills us. Spending time with friends. Traveling to new places. Laughing over a glass of wine.

The point I'm trying to make with this is that our lives are so fleeting, we're here and then we're gone, that instead of focusing so much on what we do I believe we should be focusing on who we are. Who God has created us to be. What are those qualities about us that make us special, unique, that God wants to use for His glory. I really enjoy listening to people, getting to know their story. I find myself doing this at different points during my day. I think when we listen to people, when we ask questions and take a genuine interest, we are validating their lives. I want to do more of that. That is part of who I am that is far more important than what I do.

Psalm 90:1-12 talks about how quickly our lives fade away. Verse 12 says this:

Teach us to realize the brevity of life,
so that we may grow in wisdom.

Our lives are brief. I think we grow in wisdom when we realize this and we desire not to waste them by focusing on things that are out of our control. I desire to grow in wisdom, which develops who I am and therefore flows into what I do. It shouldn't be the other way around.

Lord, through all the generations
you have been our home!

What a beautiful way to start that passage! He has been our home. He is the place we return to. I think about how important my earthly home is, something that is made or wood and stone. It's the place I'm truly myself, I relax, breathe deep, and find complete peace. I can only imagine what it would be like to experience that with my Father. We can experience that here on earth. He is our home. He is who we are.

I don't want to be a Pharisee

2011-10-26T05:24:00.000-07:00

Today I was reading Matthew 23:1-12 where Jesus is instructing the people to listen to the instructions of the religious leaders but not to follow what they do. He said they make religious burdens too heavy to bear but then do nothing to help the people. I guess you could say that I'm a religious leader in a way. I'm a seminarian, as one of my instructors reminded me last night. I think that's a pretty fancy word for saying I'm in graduate school studying ministry. But I am, I am a seminarian, and with that comes the responsibility and the call to share the message of the Gospel. But it has to be more than that. I can't just share the message, I have to live the message. And with that I need to evaluate everyday how I am doing that and how I am not doing that.

To be frustrated and humbled

2011-08-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

First off- I can't imagine a life apart from Christ. A life where my existence and my happiness and my joy are based off so many things that are out of my control. Where I don't know where to turn when I'm angry, frustrated, scared, depressed, exhausted, angry. Don't get me wrong- I have experienced (sometimes all in one day) all of those emotions and walking with Christ doesn't mean I experience them any less. The thing that separates me from those not walking with Him, what separates believers from non-believers, is that when I'm faced with situations that produce those emotions I am reminded to lay them at the cross and seek His face for answers. The answers might not come in the time frame that I would like, but I can trust that He is at work and that He will produce a good work in me through trusting and being obedient to Him.

Tonight I was frustrated. It's frustrating to see people you love so much searching for answers and know that THE answer, the only answer, is a relationship with Jesus. He's not a magic wand, He won't make the babies stop crying or the bills stop coming, but the peace and freedom they could experience in Him would be beyond the temporary joy they might feel now. And yet when I want to present that answer to them, or something similar to that, I get cut off. Dismissed. Ignored. And in turn that frustrates me. But once the dust dies down I am humbled. I am humbled because I know that once again answers will come but perhaps, once again, not in my time. And in the mean time I am called to love these people, all people, and model true servant leadership that puts the needs of others before myself. That does not keep a record of wrongs but loves despite them. And so I continue to love and listen. And be patient. And that's where I am tonight.

To be broken

2011-08-14T11:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not a crier. A person who cries. And yet when I am broken wide open I can't keep the tears from coming. I try to bite my lip thinking that will stop it. It doesn't. I try to distract myself by thinking about something I need to do- grocery shopping, laundry, whatever- but somehow I am reminded, probably by the Holy Spirit, that in this moment I need to just release the perceived control I have on my life and allow Jesus to take total control and if that means losing control and crying like a small child, so be it.

Have you ever felt really insignificant? In my desire to live a life of purpose and be used for the Kingdom I frequently find myself at the crossroads of purpose and confusion. My dad used to tell me that if I was just going to stand around watching, at least stand where the workers wouldn't see me. I like being used. I want to be used to greatly, and so today when I found myself staring straight ahead at the purpose I feel so deeply called to in my heart I felt nothing but insignificance and brokeness. How, Lord Jesus, could you use a broken, messed up, selfish person like me to bring honor and glory to Your name? How could you use me to love people the way You love people? How could You use me to teach people what it means to find freedom in You? It's like asking me to teach Greek to PhD students- are you crazy? I know nothing on the subject! But yet everyday You call me to live a life that reflects Your love and grace and mercy and forgiveness and peace and to teach these things to the people I come in contact with. The people my life rubs up against. What an unimaginable task.

I question the moves that I make. I question my words and my actions and my heart. I don't want to make a false move- and yet the Spirit is so much stronger than my weaknesses. How great are You to use me, broken and flawed me, for Your mighty purpose.

"So, my brothers and sisters, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God. ⁵ For when we were in the realm of the flesh,^[a] the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in us, so that we bore fruit for death. ⁶ But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code." Romans 7: 4-6

The Jews were held captive by the law and no matter what they did, they could not experience true freedom by simply living according to the law. When I try to live according to the law, whether that be the law of society, of myself, of the expectations I put on myself- then I am bound to a law that takes away my freedom in Christ. I serve in a new way- the way of the Spirit- knowing and trusting that He is doing a work through me that I often cannot see or know or understand. Knowing that it is only through falling more and more in love with my Savior everyday that His ways would shine through my life and that His story would be seen working in me.

Father I desire to suffer for the Gospel. It was through Your suffering and Your victory that I can experience life with You. Suffering isn't easy- brokenness isn't either. But in everything I do may I desire to suffer so that the Gospel might be advanced. Use me up for Your glory. By the power of the name of Jesus Christ.

Set Apart

2010-08-06T05:07:00.000-07:00

'Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit" John 3:3-6

This is a conversation between Nicodemus and Jesus. Nicodemus was a Pharisee, and according to them, entrance into heaven came from living by the law and possibly God granting you favor based on how well you lived. Jesus, of course, turns all of that upside down and says that you must be born again and born again by the Spirit. The Holy Spirit.

This was the intro for my devotional today, and instead of going farther in the lesson, I had to stop and really ponder what it means to have the Holy Spirit in me and to be born again. The lesson goes on to say that Holy comes from the word hagios which means "set apart, sacred, or pure". Spirit is pnuma, which means "a breath, a breeze, or a strong wind". So what does it mean to be set apart?

I recently started a new job and yesterday learned about how I will be evaluated. I've always been a competitive person. A good friend of mine once commented that it's surprising how poor I am at playing sports considering how competitive a personality I have. While going over the evaluation matrix, I was already plotting where I hoped to be evaluated at. I thought about how good it would look for a new employee, a rookie, to get such a high score and how that would compensate for my lack of phone and sales experience (a background of many of my co-workers). I laughed when we were told how we would be compensated for the higher we scored on the matrix- a concept that was so foreign to me coming from a career that only rewarded meager raises for educational advancements- not performance based ones. All of these thoughts continued to swirl in my head as I thought about how I would make a name for myself at this profession.

I don't think it's bad to desire to be good at what we do. God gives us gifts and abilities to use- for His glory- and it angers Him when we squander them away. I think the thing that I am going to have to remember and remind myself daily of- and possibly multiple times a day- is that I am called to be set apart in this job not by my killer performance on my evaluation rubric, but in how I go about loving people and reflecting the love of Christ that is in me. I hate to say it, but I still feed off of approval. I enjoy being recognized for my achievements. Again, I don't think God wants us to hide those under a rock, but I think instead He wants us to check daily where our motivation lies.

I desire to be set apart. I desire for my life to look different because I am a child of God and because DAILY I am pursuing His will for my life. I want to be confident and yet humble in the gifts He has given me so I a may live a life that draws people to the cross.

Jesus help me to rely on your spirit daily. Help me to remember that You have called me to live a life that should look radically different than the goals and ambitions of this world. Help me to live according to your spirit and be truly Set Apart.

What I've learned about being a teacher

2010-05-20T06:06:00.001-07:00

Today is my last day of teaching, at least for now, at least in this capacity. A few weeks ago a friend told me that she always knew I was going to be a teacher, because I bossed people around and had no problem telling people what I thought. Why occasionally these two personality traits do come in handy, there are a few more things I've learned about being a teacher. I thought I would share a few.

1. Contrary to what the non-education world might think, teaching is not an 8-4 job. I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent in my classroom, with my laptop at home, on a bus, in a suburban, or at a conference, because I know that quality education does not occur when your hours are only 8-4. My students would often joke about where the cot was located in my classroom, I know that teaching only partway would never have been enough for me.

2. If parents don't respect you, your classroom, your content area, your style of teaching, or your authority, their student will not either. I am so blessed to have parents that when I got in trouble at school, I was in double trouble when I got home- no questions asked. They might not have agreed with everything my educators did, but they were not about to speak disrespectfully of them in front of me. Teaching our children respect for authority figures seems to be a dying trend, but it's one I'm so glad my parents instilled in me.

3. You have to be able to laugh. Teenagers are ridiculous, parents can be ridiculous, paperwork, inservice, advisory councils- they can all be ridiculous, and unless you know how to take these things in stride, you are going to go bonkers! I know without a doubt my sarcasm, off sense of humor, and ability to laugh despite the circumstances has kept me going through some crazy times!

4. A dedicated yet relaxed administrator makes all the difference. In the three schools I have taught at, I have witnessed how much impact a great principal makes in the environment of the school. Last night I attended a touching, yet upbeat retirement party with a wonderful staff that will be hard to leave. The people you work with truly make a difference.

5. Sometimes it's okay to show a movie. My first year teaching I was overwhelmed- and that was an understatement. I remember feeling like I just could not go on. I emailed one of my former ag teachers and he told me that sometimes it is okay to show a movie. It's not for the students, they don't deserve it, but sometimes you just need some time to breathe. I hope that learning, in some form, occurs everyday in my classroom, and sometimes the best learning occurs when I've had time to regroup thanks to a wonderful Disney film occupying my students' time. Remember the Titans was always my go-to flick.

6. As much as want to, we can't save them all and we can't take them home. Gosh I love teenagers. I love their energy, spark, personalities- watching them explore who they are and who they want to be. It kills me when I see them struggling and when I know that I could provide a more stable and loving home life as a young, single female then there supposed parents could. I cried for them. I longed for them. I wanted better for them all the time. And I told them when I stopped nagging them, to be concerned, because at that point, I had stopped caring. Gosh they pulled on my heart, but I am so grateful that I got the chance to love them, even when they seemed pretty unloveable.

7. Teenagers will always surprise you. People will always surprise you. Good teachers know how to handle the surprises- to learn from them and use them to help grow others.

8. Take advantage of the teachable moments. There is a very big world going on outside high school- and high schoolers tend to forget about that. My favorite moments in teaching occurred when we stopped to look at what was going on outside the high school bubble and how we could positively influence it.

9. A fancy building does not determine the quality of education inside it- but they sure are nice. The greatest school I taught at consisted of several FEMA trailers and sidewalks for hallways. Despite the circumstances, we were still striving for excellence.

10. As a teacher you are an educator, counselor, mentor, coach, friend, parent, sibling, teammate, advocate, and cheerleader. If you would have told me 10 years ago that I was going to come back to Chapman and teach, I would have thought the person was crazy, but this has been an amazing experience. In my heart I will always be a teacher, no matter what the path God leads me on, because I desire with everything in me to leave this world a better place the way only a teacher can do.

It's ironic that as I sit here typing this it's raining- as it was my first day at CHS. It's also ironic that my favorite song is playing- Enough, which talks about how God is enough. He truly is. Whatever direction He leads me in, whatever path I might take, God is enough. And as a teacher, He made me enough.

“A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell, where his influence stops.” Henry Brooks Adams

Sick of Sin

2010-03-08T05:41:00.000-08:00

This past week- I was sick. Not the sniffle, I need a tissue, I have a headache sick- the I have to visit the bathroom every hour, there’s a path between my bedroom and the toilet, I cannot even go downstairs sick. The I wish my mommy would come home and take care of me even thought I’m 27 sick. The please take this pain away dear Jesus sick. So I might be exaggerating just a little, but it was no fun. I remember thinking one day a few months ago that getting sick wouldn’t be too bad so I could stay home and just rest- well that was a dumb thought because Tuesday and Wednesday I would have rather been teaching nine different classes of crazy kids then the state I was in. It’s not much fun to revisit those feelings of last week, but as I sit here thinking about the message this morning on sin I think the analogy, while crude, can be used to compare how God views sin.

Because of the fall of Adam and Eve, we are a people prone to sin. Sin entered the world with that first original sin, and today we still see the affect of sin in our world. God hates sin. In reading Numbers this week, I was reminded of how God continued to poor out his righteous wrath on the Israelites as they turned from him towards sin.

So back to me in bed. Every hour I had to get up to go to the bathroom. It was not fun. Not pleasant. When my mom came home she gave me medicine and then told me to eat something. How ridiculous was that! The contents of my stomach have been coming up all day, and she wanted me to eat something. What a gross, disgusting, horrible idea! The idea of putting a morsel of food in my mouth was the most repulsive thing I could think of.

Sin should be that gross to us. If we love God, if we are passionately pursuing Him, if we desire nothing but to fall more in love with His mercy, His righteousness, His justice- then we should want to only put things in our bodies that are good and nourishing and that lead us to right relationship with Him.

Why doesn’t it work that way? Why don’t we automatically throw up things that are not of Him? Why do I let myself be filled, or even seek out, things that will not fill me and instead be things that separate me from the life-giving nourishment only He can supply?

What was the cure to my stomach flu? Some time in bed, a little medicine, and eventually, chicken noodle soup. I think God provides us with the things we need to avoid our own spiritual flu. The cure to the spiritual flu- Christ. Continuing everyday, being intentional and deliberate, and consciously pursuing the Lamb of God that takes away the sin of the world. He is the only cure.

Changed- Day 3

2010-01-06T09:36:00.000-08:00

Our reading today was from Acts 12. It is the story of how an angel appeared to Peter in jail and released him from his chains. A community of believers had been praying for this to happen, but as my devotional points out, while they were praying with conviction, they were not praying with expectation. If our Father wants to give us the desires of our hearts, as His Word states, then we must pray with conviction and expectation that He will do just that. With our expectation, though, we should realize that His answered prayer might not be in the form or time that we desire. In that case, our hearts and eyes should be open to His work in our lives.

I think when we begin praying with conviction and expectation, our hearts also have to be focused on trusting God. I know for me, I really struggle with this because I like to be in control. I like to know what is coming next. When I was little, I'm not sure there were many times I would actually wait til Christmas to sneak a peak at my gifts. Not only was I master at finding where my mom hid them, but I also mastered re-wrapping them if they were already under the tree. Sometimes when I read a book, I jump to the end if the story is too gripping and I just have to know if there is a happy ending. Even now, with situations in my future, it is hard for me to relax and trust that the Lord will provide those opportunities or desires that are on my heart. I know that I need to, I fully realize this, but it's still hard.

It is my prayer that the Creator of the universe would continue to build in me a heart that prays the things He wants for me and then waits patiently for His timing.

Changed- Day 2

2010-01-05T09:37:00.000-08:00

Our reading today was from 1 Kings 3:1-5. Here Solomon turns to the Lord for wisdom in governing his new kingdom.

As a teacher, I think I'm suppose to be wise. I mean, I must know something, otherwise my students wouldn't be calling my name all day long. Of course there is a distinct difference between knowledge and wisdom. As an FFA advisor, "...I hope that my advice will always be based on true knowledge and ripened with wisdom." When I think about the word "ripened", of course I think of fruit that grows as a result of time and care of a plant. Is my wisdom ripened? Do I take time to pray for this everyday? Probably not.

As my role as a teacher, it is my calling to impart wisdom, but if I am not praying for Godly wisdom everyday, how am I any different from the other sources of advice that my students may go to- friends, the media, possibly harmful sources. While I pray for my students daily, an additional item to that prayer list is that I am praying for Godly wisdom that will look, feel and be given out very differently from the wisdom of this world.

Father help ripen in me wisdom that is from you and not me and not from this world. Help me seek this wisdom through Your Word and Your Spirit living in me. As I rush to meet the needs of others may you make me slow to speak and quick to listen to Your truth.

At Gibeon the LORD appeared to Solomon during the night in a dream, and God said, "Ask for whatever you want me to give you." 1 Kings 3:5

May this be my prayer as well.

Changed- Day 1

2010-01-04T09:36:00.001-08:00

Today is the first day of the BIC week of prayer and fasting. There are a couple things I decided to do this week, and blogging each day is one of them. The topic for today is Changed with the scripture Mark 5:21-34. It is the story of the woman that is healed by simply touching the end of His robe. She is healed from her suffering and Jesus acknowledges this. It is such a simply act of mercy, yet it ended her 12 years of suffering. That same act of mercy is extended to us each day.

It got me thinking about things I am suffering from. Honestly, I couldn't think of anything big right off the bat. I am in fairly good health, my friends and family are well, I have a roof over my head, and a job that allows me to love on others everyday. Nope, not so much suffering. But then I remembered what the title of the reading was- Changed. Change doesn't just have to come when we are suffering. Change should occur everyday; changing from the sinner we were yesterday to a person that is a little bit closer to the person that God created us to be. So what changes do I desire to see happen in my life? Changes that simply require me to touch the edge of His robe?

I desire to love people better. I know this one is pretty broad, but specifically love those that are hard to love- the students that drive me crazy, my parents that are sometimes difficult to love, the people I come in contact with that maybe are a little unloveable. Love is a choice and an action and something that should be distributed freely, as it is to me.

I want to love myself better. Take care of the things that need taken care of. Help de-stress my life instead of increase it. Spend time with my Creator to learn more deeply how much He loves me. Allow Him to love me more.

So I just looked at my devotional book for the week and I see the topic all week is Changed. Funny. Today, though, the theme is that Jesus healed, even without words needing to be spoken. These are the changes I have spoken, but I know Jesus sees even bigger changes that I have yet to see.

My prayer is that He changes those things in my life that I do not see. Heart issues I have not acknowledged. Oh that I might touch His robe and be healed.

Ramblings from a Sinner

2009-11-28T07:38:00.000-08:00

"For no one can ever be made right in God's sight by doing what his law commands. For the more we know God's law, the clearer it becomes that we aren't obeying it."

Romans 3:20

I've never been a patient person. This fact was reinforced the other night when my sister was trying to teach me how to crochet- a skill that takes a little time, some practice, and tons of patience. After about 10 minutes of making an awkward looking run of stitches, I turned to Amanda and informed her that I was over it. I guess my friends will be getting some other type of homemade gift this year- probably not crocheted scarves.

How easy would it be to read this verse in Romans and then basically through your hands up and resign to "throwing in the towel" on living a righteous life? As a follow of Christ it is our desire to please God, to live a life that is honoring to Him and absent of sin. We are taught that sin pushes us farther away from God, and that the purpose of the Law is to reveal sin so that we don't have any excuses about not understanding what sin is (see Rom. 3:19). With those things in mind our attention must then turn to following the Law in an effort to please God and be free from sin. Okay, so good, so far. But then comes verse 20 that just smacks you between the eyes! What- even when I follow God's commands, I still can't please Him?! Then I give up! A little bit of a quitter am I- well maybe (see crocheting, guitar, exercising, softball, basically a long list of things that require patience that I have tried in the past...) . So what is a sinner to do?

“How difficult it is to be honest, to accept that I am unacceptable, to renounce self-justification, to give up the pretense that my prayers, spiritual insight, tithing, and successes in ministry have made me pleasing to God! No antecedent beauty enamors me in His eyes. I am lovable only because He loves me.” Brennan Manning- The Ragamuffin Gospel

Lately I have become aware of a particular area of my life that is not honoring God. Not that we can separate our lives into chunks, this part honoring God and this part living for the world, but this particular part of my life was infecting the rest. I tried to justify it, reason with it, convince myself that it was okay- but in reality, it was not. Reading Romans, this particular section, has made me aware of my need to understand the Law in order to live in accordance with God's commands. I want to please Him. I want, when I pray that my life may glorify Him, I want then my actions to match that. And yet I know that unless my heart is sold out to Christ, I can never truly honor Him, and even when I am sold out to Christ, I will still fall short. How amazing does that make grace look.

I'm reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Each chapter convicts me and yet keeps pointing me back to my Creator who loves me intimately with a love that I will never experience here on this earth. Why wouldn't I want to fall in love with Him? Why wouldn't I want to seek His face and drink in His beauty?

So what is the point of these ramblings- well let's look.

1. I must seek God and His Law. I must be aware of the life He has commanded me to live. I desire to be obedient to Him and His call on my life. To do that I must to be entrenched in His word and praying for wisdom and discernment with every word I read.

2. I must reflect on my path towards obedience. I must be aware of those areas of my life that are not glorifying to Him and not simply brush over them when life gets too busy (I know God just laughed at my "too busy" phrase. Sorry God...)

3. I must extend grace. I know that I am able to live and breathe and experience life because of the grace Christ extends me and I must be a picture of that on this earth.

Lord Jesus help me fall more in love with you each day. Help me to live the life you have created me to live. Mold me into the person you have already created me to be. Teach me what love really is. Amen.

Truth

2009-11-10T19:51:00.000-08:00

I was reading my mentor book today and I got to the chapter on addressing conflict with a mentee. It was interesting that this was the chapter I was on as I have been having some struggles with a few officers. Sometimes, okay far too often than I would like, I find myself desiring to take the easy road as opposed to the one that involves conflict, or as the author put, correction. I highlighted several things in the chapter, but one part really jumped out to me, and to paraphrase, it said that anyone that mentors, and cares about their mentee, must love truth.

Gosh truth can be hard. I went to scripture to try to find some encouraging word and this is what I found when I typed truth into the biblegateway.com seach. Do you know how often Jesus said "I tell you the truth"? A LOT! On one page I counted at least 15 pieces of scripture where Jesus starts that way. It got me to thinking- that if Jesus is love, the purest, simpliest, most profound love and the route of all love- then how important is it if we love people to tell them the truth?

Does this make it any easier? Nope. Does it make me excited tomorrow to go to school and push myself to speak truth, even when it is 10x easier to walk away. Nope. Does it make my heart rush to seek out truth in my own life? Not so much. Is there a way that I can speak truth that will make it easier? I'm not sure. In going back to one of the most famous pieces of scripture in the Bible maybe I find a little something to help me in my quest to seek truth.

"I am the way and the truth and the life..." I know that Jesus is the only way. I know that apart from Him I can do no good on my own. I know that He is life- the giver of eternal life both here and in heaven. If I desire to live His way and be given new life in Him I must recognize that speaking and seeking truth is part of that.

Lord Jesus help me seek truth. Help me see truth. Help me be truth. Help me live your truth. Because you love me, I desire to honor You.

Our Jealous God

2009-06-14T16:39:00.000-07:00

⁴ "You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. ⁵ You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, ⁶ but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments. " Exodus 20: 4-6
At first read, this scripture is pretty intense. Actually, every time I read this, I think it is pretty intense. Love me or die. That's kind of what is happening here. Well that doesn't seem very nice! What kind of loving God do we serve that would give us an ultimatum like that? And yet this scripture is all about love.
How cute was it when we were little and those little boy crushes we had would get jealous when we talked to another boy. It meant that they liked us enough to get jealous that we were putting someone else's attention before theirs. So let's take that example times a trillion. That's what this scripture is saying. God loves us so much that He wants all of our attention, worship, love, devotion, time, energy- everything He wants. He loves us so much that He wants all of us. And He created us and made this earth for us. Every beautiful thing there is, He made. For us. Check out this beautiful picture of his jealousy for us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps
I recently made a friend that has turned away from God. He has all the head knowledge in the world, but the questions he needs answers to, he can't find. Everything I say to him about what a loving God we have, how bad things happen that we can't control, how God is pursuing him even when he is not pursuing God- he's heard all these things. In fact, he's said them to others many, many times. I was struggling with how to minister to him and not be discouraged. It would be easy to turn away. To not get emotionally involved- much, much easier on my heart, that is for sure. And yet, that's not how Jesus calls us to live. How much easier would it have been for him to come down off the cross and say- "you know, they know how to live, they just choose not to, so why should I bother. This cross is way to painful for people that know the truth and just choose not to follow it." Yep, Christ most defintely did not do that.
I was sitting here thinking, what do I do next? God speak to me. And He did.
“Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10)
God has a plan. I know that He brings people into my life for a reason. I know that He will continue to bring people into my life that do not know the Lord, that maybe have it all in their head but no where near their heart. Isn't that why I want to go into ministry- for those people? Not to turn away to disciple the "easy" sheep. But to love them, right where they are, no matter the cost. No matter the cost. He loves me enough so that I may love others.
I love David Crowder. Here's some more good stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIvBQj-X314&feature=related

Until next time- I'm living.............................. by grace.

Famous in a Small Town

2009-06-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

I love Saturday mornings. I love sleeping in, making coffee, and enjoying the beauty and peace that comes with mornings. I enjoyed the beautiful weather on my front porch where I picked up the book I have been reading- The Ragamuffin Gospel- and was captivated by Manning's way of reminding me that God's beautiful gift of grace is present in every created thing around us, yet so many times we fail to see it. We get caught up in the business that is life and miss out on things like a child's laughter, a gentle breeze, or the colors of summer harvest. We fail to see the deeper beauty that is all around us that our loving Abba created for us.
Usually Saturday mornings are a pretty quiet time in a small town, but this morning was a little more lively. Today the festivities for the one year celebration continued. I wondered down to the Shamrock park to find the middle school band- Guitarded, playing with my girl Hannah singing lead. How awesome is it to see the grace that God has shown this community this past year. In the way the community pulled together, the help from so many others, the spirit of rebuilding in placed in the hearts of everyone who lives here- that is truly His hand at work. I am so blessed that on this day He reminded me to look at what has happened through those eyes.
The final performance was a song Famous in a Small Town. The song reminded me again of how blessed I am to experience His grace in all that is around me. The simple things can mean the most. Seeing a friend at the gas station. Waving at someone at the post office. Watching new trees grow in an open lot. These things are all His work. Truly He is the Famous One!
Oh- and I totally want to start a Chapman FFA Band. I'm pretty excited about it. Of course that means I should probably practice a little more. I told some excited soon to be freshman girls about it- so hopefully they will be as excited as I am. ;)

Refining like silver

2009-06-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

Exactly a year ago today, life changed in this small Kansas town. I was still in sek preparing to be gone for two weeks with BLAST Off trainings across the U.S. I was running around packing, preparing for my trips, when my best friend called me and asked me if I had heard from my parents- that Dickinson County was in a tornado watch and that several had touched down that night. I called them and my dad informed me that they had not blown away- he did not seem concerned. I tried to go to sleep, but between the phone calls from my friend and my parents calling me back, I knew that things were not right.
I woke up the next morning and left early for the airport. I didn't even get out of town before my phone started ringing. People had begun to see the photos, and the news was not good. My dad said they were not letting people into town and word was the schools were destroyed. I tryed my best to remain calm and decide what I had to do. Did I leave? Did I drive home? What was I supposed to do? My parents convinced me that I was no good at home right now, that the best thing I could do was get on the plane and they'd call me when they knew more.
Life has changed in Chapman, Kansas. I have been asked multiple times how my first year back home has been, and my reply everytime is- this isn't what I had planned. Who plans to have the school they are supposed to teach at be destroyed? Who plans to move home and have their home community turned upside down? I think it is yet another example of how we really have to idea what is ahead for us, but we must trust that no matter what happens, God is with us and He was in Chapman the night the tornado hit and I believe Holy Spirit continues to work here today in the lives of those still picking up the pieces.
One of the best comments I heard about the tornado came from our board president at our Back to School Celebration. He said- character isn't developed through adversity, it is revealed. I really believe this to be true. I have had my share of disappointment, again, this year was not what I had planned, but I hope that God has used this event to reveal His never ceasing character through me. I like what David says in Psalm 66: 8-12
"Praise our God, O peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard; he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping.For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver.You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance."
Sometimes bad things happen. I don't believe that our loving, merciful God makes them happen, while I do believe He is totally soverign, but I do believe that in the midst of these situations, He is there. He is there loving us past our brokeness, past the heartache, past the what might look to be an impossible situation. He is there calling out to us to reveal His character and to bring others His peace.
How has he refined me like silver through this event? I think He reminded me that sometimes those things that we hold onto so tightly- those things that might bring us comfort and pride- He wants those things too. I am grateful to live in Chapman during this time of rebuilding, but I am even more grateful that hopefully I can be a light for Him during this time and show others that while buildings will crumble and fade away, the glory and peace of Christ will sustain forever and ever. Amen.

Beginning of Summer

2009-06-01T19:54:00.000-07:00

I think it's interesting that while my peers the english and math teachers started their summers last week, mine didn't really start until today, and even then, I was at school most of the day. I also managed to get in two SAE visits and schedule a few more! This week should be busy with visits, but this is my chance to see students on their turf, which is always a good thing.
Today I started one thing on my list with my first guitar lesson. It was short, but fun, and I'm excited to learn something new and different. I also committed to drinking only water (okay, and maybe a little coffee) in an effort to be more healthy. I guess Walter will have to make his afternoon soda runs on his own!
I told walter this is the summer that I concentrate on me. What I meant to say is that this is the summer I want to do more things that are truly good for me. Part of that includes tomorrow going to the fitness center and getting signed up. I have to do this for me. For You.
Jesus help me do what I cannot do on my own.

Another year

2009-05-31T20:46:00.000-07:00

Another school year comes to an end and it seems that it has been awhile since I have blogged. This summer I am not moving, at least not physically. I do hope I am moving though- that I am moving into a time in my life that I do things that are just for me and that are actually good for me. I still feel stuck at times. Stuck in this place where I am discovering the life that God has created for me and yet wondering how do I get there and do I have what it takes to make that big leap that moves me from where I am now to where I need to be.
I know my heart has strayed. I know that the Father stands waiting with His arms wide open for me to run into. I know that He waits that way for me everyday and it is up to me to decide if I want to run into those arms or run the other direction. One thing I do know for sure is that I can't do it on my own anymore.
I desire to be in community. I desire to use my gifts to love people. To serve people. I desire to be pushed past the point of comfort.
Oh God put a burden on my heart for you.

He Weeps

2008-05-23T18:14:00.000-07:00

Endings are tricky things. I have experienced some endings when I drove off into the sunset feeling totally at peace with the situation. And sometimes that doesn't happen. Yesterday was supposed to be one of those beautiful endings. It was supposed to be filled with laughter, sunshine, and happy memories- but that's not how it worked out. Maybe it was God's way of giving me peace in my decision to leave. I don't think so, or I wouldn't be sitting here trying to put into words what I'm feeling. I found out some really troubling news about a few of my students. Here's the deal, I know kids aren't perfect and they make mistakes. I know this. I make mistakes, and because our God is big enough, he takes our mistakes and makes them into beautiful masterpieces. But today if I was the crying type, I would have cried. A lot. You see when I see my kids sinning, which equals hurting, I cry. I weep. And I know that it isn't the first time, and I know it won't be the last. Sometimes I wish I could just run in a room away from all the hurt and disappointment, but then reality tells me that won't work. And instead of crying, since I'm not a cryer, I internally weep.
We're singing this song on Sunday called How He Loves. It is beautiful and simple and sweet. He loves us. So much. And I got to thinking about how I feel right now and I realized that what I am experiencing is just a fraction, a minute, minuscule, feeling of what God feels when He looks at us in our sin and pain. He weeps. He created us and yet we turn away from Him and turn to sin that only hurts us more. He criesbecause He is hear among us and wants for us to follow Him and lay down our sin at the feet of His Son that gave away His life for us. He looks at the poor, sick, angry, selfish, lonely people we have become and He cries out- "You don't have to live this way! Pick up your cross and follow me!"
Oh God I know you love us so, and you weep when we sin. Lord I confess my sins to You. I want to follow You. I want to walk with You. I want so desperately to be less and less and You to be more and more. I want to speak your truth and show others Your grace. Father I want to weep when you weep and rejoice when you rejoice.

Zephaniah 3:17 (New International Version)
17 The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."