To be broken

I'm not a crier. A person who cries. And yet when I am broken wide open I can't keep the tears from coming. I try to bite my lip thinking that will stop it. It doesn't. I try to distract myself by thinking about something I need to do- grocery shopping, laundry, whatever- but somehow I am reminded, probably by the Holy Spirit, that in this moment I need to just release the perceived control I have on my life and allow Jesus to take total control and if that means losing control and crying like a small child, so be it.

Have you ever felt really insignificant? In my desire to live a life of purpose and be used for the Kingdom I frequently find myself at the crossroads of purpose and confusion. My dad used to tell me that if I was just going to stand around watching, at least stand where the workers wouldn't see me. I like being used. I want to be used to greatly, and so today when I found myself staring straight ahead at the purpose I feel so deeply called to in my heart I felt nothing but insignificance and brokeness. How, Lord Jesus, could you use a broken, messed up, selfish person like me to bring honor and glory to Your name? How could you use me to love people the way You love people? How could You use me to teach people what it means to find freedom in You? It's like asking me to teach Greek to PhD students- are you crazy? I know nothing on the subject! But yet everyday You call me to live a life that reflects Your love and grace and mercy and forgiveness and peace and to teach these things to the people I come in contact with. The people my life rubs up against. What an unimaginable task.

I question the moves that I make. I question my words and my actions and my heart. I don't want to make a false move- and yet the Spirit is so much stronger than my weaknesses. How great are You to use me, broken and flawed me, for Your mighty purpose.

"So, my brothers and sisters, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God. ⁵ For when we were in the realm of the flesh,^[a] the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in us, so that we bore fruit for death. ⁶ But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code." Romans 7: 4-6

The Jews were held captive by the law and no matter what they did, they could not experience true freedom by simply living according to the law. When I try to live according to the law, whether that be the law of society, of myself, of the expectations I put on myself- then I am bound to a law that takes away my freedom in Christ. I serve in a new way- the way of the Spirit- knowing and trusting that He is doing a work through me that I often cannot see or know or understand. Knowing that it is only through falling more and more in love with my Savior everyday that His ways would shine through my life and that His story would be seen working in me.

Father I desire to suffer for the Gospel. It was through Your suffering and Your victory that I can experience life with You. Suffering isn't easy- brokenness isn't either. But in everything I do may I desire to suffer so that the Gospel might be advanced. Use me up for Your glory. By the power of the name of Jesus Christ.